Sex with my husband feels loveless – and yet he refuses to provide affection
“I’m really just asking for a hug here and a compliment there,” she shares, voicing her frustrations with her husband. “But he insists that he can’t be loving unless we have more sex.”
Pamela Stephenson Connolly candidly tackles a topic that many might find uncomfortable: the complexities of intimacy in her own life. After two decades of marriage, she reflects on how her sexual experiences have seldom been fulfilling. “Through plenty of self-reflection and some therapy, I’ve come to realize that I only enjoy sex when I feel emotionally cared for,” she says.
She emphasizes how simple gestures—like an unexpected hug or a kind word—can significantly boost her desire for intimacy. “On days when I feel loved, I genuinely enjoy being intimate. Unfortunately, he doesn’t offer those small acts of affection as often as I need.”
Despite expressing her needs to her husband, she reveals his reaction: he believes they need to have sex more frequently for him to show his love. “It saddens and frustrates me that he overlooks those tiny expressions of affection. Because of that, I’ve stopped ‘giving in’ to sex when I know it won’t be enjoyable for me.”
Pamela reflects on the fundamental differences in how intimacy is perceived, recalling a cartoon that illustrates a common issue in many relationships. “It depicted two groups of protesters: one with women holding signs that said, ‘NO LOVE NO SEX!’ and another with men displaying placards that read, ‘NO SEX NO LOVE!’”
She acknowledges that while this may not represent all men and women, these sentiments often reveal deeper tensions in certain relationships. “Understanding this dynamic could help couples navigate their differences more effectively.”
Pamela advocates for open communication: “Sometimes, sex can turn into a tool in a power struggle rather than a true expression of love. It’s crucial to discuss these feelings calmly, listen to each other, and approach the situation as partners working together.”
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specializing in sexual disorders. If you’re looking for her insights on sexual matters, she encourages you to reach out by emailing [email protected], understanding that she can’t engage in personal correspondence. Each week, she addresses one concern, which will be shared online in line with the publication’s policies.